29, going on 30

Today I’m 29 years, 7 months and 24 days old. This means I’m a little over 4 months away from turning 30 and I must admit I’m slightly panicking. (exhales dramatically in Portuguese).

Let me tell you a story.

When me and my cousins were little, we would play a game to see who we’d marry and what type of life we would have. You’d start with a number in the middle to represent at which age you’d like to get married and build a diagram around it with different categories. For example, you’d add 3 boys names, 3 places to go on your honeymoon, 3 types of houses; you get the point. After your diagram was all filled in, you’d start counting to the number in the middle and striking out the different options until you were left with just one option in each category and you’d know who you’d marry and where would you live, etc.

How silly, right?
Well, my age to get married was usually around 24 or 25 — (I’m laughing too). How could I think that’s when I would have my life figured out and sorted? Actually, how would I even know that I don’t want to get married anymore. Not at 24, not at 34, not at all. But now that I’m approaching 30 I’ve started to think about where 14-year old Mariana thought she would be right now.

It’s not that turning 30 will have a drastic change in my life from one day to the other. I know that on my birthday everything will feel normal and I’ll be just the woman I am today. What I’m scared of and what gives me anxiety is how that will affect me in the following months.

Right now I’m already a rather independent adult. I still occasionally call my mom to ask if I can mix two pieces of clothing in the same laundry round or to ask her how to cook a specific dish, but I think that’s normal. This is to say that I’m already a functional adult most of the time but from 30 onwards I really won’t have any excuse not to be and I need to start thinking in which direction I want to steer my life to.

When you’re in your 20s you can still screw up and ask for your parents help. You can change your mind about big thing and small things and that’s fine. But when you reach your 30s, you’re on your own.

At the same time, I feel a pressure to accomplish something “big” during this next decade. Since I don’t want to get married and I’m not sure if I want kids, what will that accomplishment be?

Is it a promotion? Is it buying a house? What will make me think that “I’ve made it” and that my younger self would be proud of where life took me?
If you have an answer to these questions or an idea of what that big think may be, please let me know.

I’m looking for it and I’d like to know I found it when it comes by.