March.
(this one is for the penguins)
This week was my one year mark at my current job.
March 4th, 2019 was my first day at advertio. I remember thinking about what I should wear, if the team was going to like me and even wondering about if I should take an uber to the office instead of the subway in order to make sure I arrived on time. I decided on a head-to-toe black look (my everyday uniform), freaking out about how I should greet people — Hi? Hey? Hello? — and taking the subway.
Once I was approaching the door at Rua da Emenda, I almost fainted. This actually happens every time I meet new people and want to make a good impression. This time was no different, even if it was somewhat irrational. I already knew my boss and some other people from the team as I had met them on my previous job, so they already knew who I was and there was no need for me to be that nervous.
Once I rang the doorbell I prayed for a familiar face to open the door but instead, I was greeted by someone from another company who showed me to the right office. This meant I had used my nice “Hey” on the wrong person and had to improvise when I actually met my team.
Honestly, I don’t remember what I said with 100% accuracy but it was something along the lines of: Ehrm, I’m Mariana. No hi, or hello or even a smile — at this point, I also remember praying for the floor to open beneath me and take me to another dimension — but I was lucky to have such nice colleagues that already knew I was starting that day and provided all the help I needed without thinking — or at lest showing — that I was weird. That day went by and everyone was super helpful and friendly, but that entire week was really rough for me, always thinking 100 times before I said a word to make sure I didn’t say anything too stupid.
You see, I’m in charge of communication, yet I’m a very awkward penguin — which has to be some sort of sick joke that the universe is trying to play on me by making me a level 200 introvert. Being responsible for communication aspects makes people expect me to be sociable and outgoing, so I have to break that barrier every time I meet new people; and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier with experience.
Funny enough, this year on March 4th I went back to Lisbon for another week at the office and it got me thinking about where I am now and how far I’ve come. Yes, I’m still a (very) awkward penguin but it doesn’t bother me as much and I’ve accepted that not everyone will understand me, and that’s totally fine.
This week, I didn’t think about what I was going to wear that day, if the team likes me or if I was taking an uber or the subway (which I should have because of covid-19). Instead, I dressed as I always do, I knew my team would talk to me and I took the subway.
And I didn’t even thought about it.
Next week I’ll be turning 28, making me one year older. I was never much into birthdays and I usually sneak off to another city so I don’t have to deal with people singing Happy Birthday while I awkwardly smile — but this time I’m actually looking forward to getting older as if I keep accepting me as I have during the past year, I think I’ll grow out to be a much more confident penguin.
